Night Chating of Seafarer
Taiwan
January 3, 2009
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My dear Fath'ma,it's our time to meet again; in this silent night,under the light of old table lamp and the gentle breeze against my face I decide ,slowly,to write down and to tell you what I have been through,even though I know that you would never know it anymore....Then,let it be a statement to the pure moon hanging high up in the sky.
Tonight's moon is so bright and clear that it makes one's agitation to pour out all his sorrows.
Leaving hometown one and half years,I stood on this cool and lonely bridge watching a stretch of blue sea in a distance and imagined the cheerful meeting that I had dreamed many times.My sweet home, Oh!how I missed you !And my dear parents,how were you recently ? Everything at home, being so close to me and so far away to reach,made me seriously homesick.
And yes , I even more missed that unforgettable hug with great passion of my dog,he always welcomed me by a dive at me from nowhere.
I know my dog couldn't say anything to me,but from his earnest eyes ,one of his waving leg up and down,and his never stop waving tail,I just know how happy he is ! "All right! Stop
jumping !that's enough!"I always said so .Oh! What an intoxicating dream to get home !Great Universe ,silently and gradually left Rio de Janeiro.Watching the Statue of Jesus
become smaller and smaller in the dim light of sunset,my mind was weighed down with sorrow.
Dear Fath'ma,could you aware of my sorrow by this time ?I left Brazil, and I lost my soul at the same time.Did you ever know that you had stolen my heart before I noticed it ?I knew it
very clearly that I could see you no more but in my dream,hereafter.And Since then,I would have only this faithful lamp to stay with me in the long and lonely night.Going home should be one thing full of happiness for anyone,but I,on the contrary, was in a terrible bad mood.
Time,slowly,went by; Taking the way through Liberia,London,via Hong Kong, I finally came back to Taiwan.What a long way of going home it was !I could see my parents whom I missed day and night in no time.How happy it ought to be!
Coming up 2nd floor,in front of my well-known door,surprise !yes,it was really a great surprise to me,I didn't get the familiar scene I used to see as usual.Even though my dog was gone too.
In the past,for having known who I was,my dog will always sit up straight ,right behind the door silently,awaiting my mother to get the door . And no matter how long I had been away from home,he could always recognize me behind it,making no barking,and never wrong on that. What a clever pretty one he is !
I learned that he died of a disease. He would unable to wait me there anymore.To hear this,it seemed to cut on my heart......I still could feel his struggle with happiness in my arms.But,now he wasn't there.Oh! my pretty lad!
Strange to say,until this moment,I just found something unusual with my parents,for having a queer feeling of keeping me at a distance.I began to get alarmed,and made inquiries among them.
What I had been told was really a big jolt to me.After leaving the navy,my brother,always cherished by parents,was introduced to a match by my sister.Having nothing prepared for
marriage,he set trap to cheat me by giving up his portion of heritage for replacing my own decorated house which I got with all my hard working overseas,these last few years. And what
surprised me more was that my sister had already married few months ago,and no one of this family told me about it. How ridiculous it was ! I didn't even know that she had a boy friend.
Beyond that,all the members of my family went so far as to keep it a secret between them,and watching me step into his trap on purpose,without even giving me a hint........
Everybody,in Taiwan,knows that a public official won't become rich without taking graft.What could he give us ? By the way,if we were rich enough, why should I go to abroad to make a
living so long a time?
Fath'ma! I delayed my marriage at a more mature age these years and having worked very hard for a better life in the future.You once said "You should married." You were quite right.But I had known the feeling of poverty since childhood, having been through the hard life,and hoping to change it when growning up.
That's why I went to sea to pursue a wealth,and never touched anything about marrige,even thought of it.I wanted my future wife and children to have the best life ,not to have a hard
life with me. To work steadily and make solid progress,I was almost done . But I didn't let you know even a word of it,for the reason to make sure that you really deserved it.
The goal to reach was very near,so close to me.I could definitely feel it on my hands......a sweet home of my own,and another rebuilding house for my parents. More than that,God led me to you,a fair lady whom I could never dream of,to be my wife.And the another very important thing was that I had already qualified as a Chief officer,just one step behind the Capatin.
You once told me "You are smiling all the time." How could I stop it ? Watching my beautiful wife,I told myself. Telling the truth,I had taken you to be my wife from that day forward.
I knew how I look,and that you were always doubted for what I had told you "Fath'ma!You are my first and only one in my life. From the very beginning,I only hoped you could show me Rio.
around,for being not brave enough to expect to have a girl friend,so beautiful and intelligent like you.
I,at last,found out that you were serious about me, not kidding,and that pushed me to face it seriously too.
I,finally,made of my mind to take this chance on me,and informed my parents about it.That would be a big change to me.And I,in the end,had prepared myself;but you were not brave enough to accept what I had prepared for you. You hesitated... That's what I still don't get you by now.
I made sacrifices for this family,and they took everything as a matter of course.That's something hurting me most. Obviously, they didn't take me more important than ever.What's in their eyes was nothing but money. Something connected this family and me was money but feeling anymore.That feeling of old days had died out due to a long period of separation.
All at once,I felt very lonely,I seemed to be extra to this family. My sweet home in my dream suddenly turned into Hell .They needed me no more. How I felt and sacrificed for this family was not a matter to them.All they wanted were those I had prepared for my Fath'ma.All the members of the family just wanted me to give him a help.
How easy it was to made something from nothing ! Whom was I working for these last few years? I really didn't get .
My dear Fath'ma,I was blue since the day we parted,and having been broken-hearted.I could barely believe that they were my blood. The tears blurred my eyes.I could hardly keep it
from showing.But I had no time to cry now;though I did want to.
In those sorrowful days,your letters were coming late all the time.Could it be said that even my beloved Fath'ma had also left me behind ?At last,I got no more your messages.You
really let me down...........
I was also getting to hate this unfair world .
I was sick of this world, constantly asked myself "What wrong have I done ?". How could a brilliant,hopeful life suddenly turn out to be nothing ? My heart was full of malice,and I believed that Satan had completely captured my soul that time.
I got all my savings back from my parents,and having no mercy on my brother,I drove him out of my house.I just couldn't let anyone like him staying here any more.He was eager to rob
my house. It's no wonder that he refused to renew my licence after getting the documents I mailed in the foreign country. What a terrible brother I had !
I swore to myself that I should get back all those originally belonged to me. God played trick on me , but Satan satisfied me to have revenge on my brother in return. I experienced
the great pleasure I never got. I was really happy. It was my first time to feel that Satan was not so bad as people had criticized. I should accept him earlier.
At that wrong time,you,I once loved so deeply Fath'ma,whom I didn't count on any more message,once again, mailed me a letter which I had so expected to see during that hard time
for such a long time.
Holding that letter in my shivery hands,hardly keeping the tears from showing ,I was asking myself "Do I have to read it ?" time after time.
After reading your unexpected letter,I was crushed. By saying that there were so many first times, you used to make fun of me. It stands to reason for you to say so,that there is indeed few people like me on earth,and I was not supposed that it would be also my first and last time to reject your inquirement.
In bad mood,blind with rage,I made a big mistake in my life. I could give you a hand then;I also should,too. But.....,I didn't .
Could it be said that love had turned into hatred insensibly?I was totally confused. I couldn't figure out why I was so cruel to do so, especially to my Fath'ma. Oh! my God ! I must be
crazy at that time.
I became an unreasonable and disagreeable person. In my view,nothing was right any more,and everything seemed to against me on purpose. I could feel ....that I was not myself anymore.
I was ruined,and God,to whom I always believe,you were not on my side from beginning to end.I wanted to go after mine.I couldn't make living and keep my savings at the same time.
Fath'ma ! You have a point there.
I do need a wife.