Night Chating of Seafarer

July 18, 2009
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   Traped in the serious inferiority , I just couldn't seem to move on ,even to go on a date with her .At that moment ,the thought of giving up just flashed through my brain.

   The phone rang.I picked up the phone fearfully,and hearing the shivering voice with fear.

"Why didn't you give me a ring ?........Don't you want me anymore ?"

".........,No,I didn't say so.I was busy for seting up the business in the future."said I.

    She was innoscent,and did nothing wrong.  How could I treat her this way ?I suddently found myself in a serious sick inferiority,that,actually,once had kept my feelings from my beloved Fatima.And now it broke out again. Having no air of haughty aloofness ,she didn't look down on me.

    Beyond that was her true feelings rocking my world most, the same feelings once tied me up in Rio.

   To be loved by her was too good to be true. A weird thought came at me that her coming was to make up for Fatima's leaving.

   I won't care about what the others would take it about me anymore. I had a feeling that good luck won't come twice if I lost it once more . I gave up to purchase the wealth,and at last,got what I really wanted all the way,the one who really love me.

    After experiencing so many frustrations, I finally married. I was actually going to realize what the happiness was.  Until that day, just in all that time fulled of sweetness,getting rid of  Fatima ,those damned pictures ,making in Rio and already being gone from my heart, unfortunately  was found by my
honey,as jealous as Fatima. A  furious storm was on its way.

"Who is that girl against your shoulder  ?" said she angrily.

   "She..... was my... former girl friend before we met. " I got no choice but telling her the truth. To see Fath'ma leaning lightly against my shoulder, with glorious smiling on her beautiful face ,she became more angry and had more causes to believe that I still got in touch with her.

    I really don't get why girls are so jealous. I didn't tell her about the past for being over and almost leave her behind. In order to obtain  her confidence again , I burned out all the pictures with girls in foreign countries in front of her. Seeing her relieved,I knew it still remained in her mind,even she said no more about it.

     All those pictures had gone,and I was quite sure myself to get rid of her from now on.But did I really jump out of the shadow of Fath'ma ? No,I didn't ,for leaving behind something more important than that.
 

   I,to tell the truth,am a very careful man,yet how could I go so far as to forget those films of her? And my dear wife didn't notice it either. It's really unbelievable !  I just don't get why that feelings always come back to me when I hardly made up my mind to get away from it.

   I love my wife and cherish her feelings for me very much. With the time goes by, she finally realize why I can't forget about her,no matter how hard I have tried,and what really tied  my mind up so tightly.

    Now and then,when I was spellbound by the beauty of my wife,she would be embarrassed and ask me whether I still love Fath'ma.

""............Darling, I really hate to lie you, I commit that I still love her. But in the name of God,believe me! I do try very hard to forget her,but I just couldn't make it. Tell me how I could put her real feelings away ?"

   She, hearing this, became a little disappointed.

   Thanks to my dear Fath'ma to let me know how important it will be to show love to lover  in time,and that the expression of love is not shameful in itself .

   I embrassed  my love that I could really feel  in my arms and whispered  to her "I know my words somewhat hurt you very much. But there is something else  you should know too. That she was still in my mind doesn't mean I love you less. Her coming to my heart first is the reason and something I can't help at all. But ,fortunately , I still keep my last and important thing for you. I'm quite sure about it myself that you are my last in my life."

  I,surrounding by the sweet love of my wife, always took it as a matter of dreams. Half of fearing to loss her love,half of fearing to be found that Fath'ma still in the deepest place of my soul, holding her soft hand unconsciously  became the only way to set my mind at ease.Without a reason, I sometimes, would embrace my wife with great passion. 

  I, inside my heart,do afraid of losing her again. To avoid her wondering look,I asked her that I had given up  my job to become  captain,and couldn't  be as rich as before anymore. But why did she still love  me ?

    She, watching at me with a serious manner, said "I don't know ,I just love you.". 

    That answer was so firmly and directly that it moved and shamed  me simultaneously for still keeping Fath'ma in mind all these years. My wife and Fath'ma are very much alike in feelings. The presence of cognitive dissonance had struggled inside my heart for  such a long time that it almost turned into a heavy burden to me .

    I suddenly realized what God's will was,one couldn't choose both fortune and love .

     I was too avaricious at the time ,and that made me lose them both,fortune and Fath'ma. Money could afford me everything I wanted all right,but I was not pleased at all ,and almost lose the courage to live .Since making up my mind to give up fortune and the goal to be a captain in the future,I had the strong feelings to be needed by my wife, which made me happy and very important .

    I know I should be satisfied with what I have had now. But,I just couldn't  forget about her........"No! I don't want to be your friend,I want to be your wife."

   That heartbreaking sound always echoed at the bottom of my heart; It's more clear than ever,especially in this silent  night,under the clean and bright moon.

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