English Forums

hi every one

how are you ?

first i want to say merry christmas to you and to all your family :)

i know it's too late , but not problem :)

yeah, I have some problem with english, because that sometimes I want your help please :)

I wrote this story for small children , and I want from you to correct my story,grammer , vocabulary and the way of writing

i've upload the file

http://www.zshare.net/download/59463613d327bf/

thank you for your helping

byeee

NO ONE :( !!!

Would like to see, but I don't use PC, so I cannot see.

If you show here, my Macintosh will see & I'll see  :))

Then maybe I can help you. Ok?

A possible reason why you don't get much help, is that people are afraid of downloading from strangers – possible virus threats. Don't take it too badly.

Have a nice new year  :))

dear, thank you for your advice, and not problem if you can't help me

 this is my story

"

when i gave this story to my teacher in this place he wrote "something vital is missing here " !!!!

because that i put my story here to help me, i know all my friends will help me :)

thank you

take care

byeee

This needs a lot of work.

I'll give you a few suggestions & then you do a re-write. Then after that I give you other suggestions. You have many mistakes & the story has no real structure. I think this exercise is above your level, but my 1st suggestions will be at your level.

When you get to a higher level, think of this simple rule.

A story must have 3 sections:

1 – a start – the intro – to the place & the characters, as well as the main story

2 – a middle – the main reason for the story – the action, the emotion etc

3 – an ending – a conclusion that is good or bad, happy or sad, but something that says this story is over.

Draw up a plan for the story, before you actually write the story.

—

Ok – your level.

As you write in English, a simple tool is a spell-checker.

Another simple tool is a reference – loads of books – see how the published authors lay out a page. Keep to the same font & size & colour. It looks messy, as a story, to read with your way. Think of the reader.

Ok – that was just for format.

Your grammar needs work, but your teacher will continue with that.

"Something vital is missing here"

This refers to descriptions of the scene, the characters & even the introduction of a new character.

For instance – "One day Buck was sick" – who was Buck? There was no understanding who or what he was. This should have been mentioned as soon as Buck was introduced. What is his relationship to the story? You cannot just jump straight in.

As I said, this is only the start of helping you. It has to be done in stages, for you to learn & understand fully. I hope you can appreciate that.

Good luck  :-)

 I'm telling you your mistakes

and passimstic

hated him

Must tell who is Buck

Doctor

with in a few days, no In in front

Buck recovered, comma is needed but the whole sentence doesn't make any sense

kinder to others 

u gotto re write the first sentence.. avoid putting too many things in one row.

u can replace the second sentence too as. all animals worked very hard for the prosperity and growth of the kingdom.

instead of began his rule you can write came to the throne .   .. ur sentence has too many narrations..1 – he was greedy 2-dissatisfied 3 peesimistic. split the sentence eg.. the cub was greedy and dissatisfied with the performance of the animals. He was ambitious about his kingdom.

in the next sentence you are talking about the past.. hate should be hated..

in the next sentence you have mentiones giraffe twice which is not correct. in one sentence the name of one person has to occur only once.. u could use who after that semi colon

and when you have entered anothered character in the started at least intrduce us to him.. buck who is so and so…. and continue what u want to tell about him

instead of besides use moreover.  merge the next sentence by adding who after buck.. short sentences looks as bad as long sentences .. meaning should be clear

and same is the case with next sentence.. i didnt understand this one … u can use and after recovered.. try to split the sentence.. u need to work on grammar.

the lion king.. always prefix the when  u r talking about a particular person, thing

another thing your story lacks a structure… as if it is a particular part but not the whole story. i just corrected grammar..

really i don't know what to say

thank you for your advise and helping

lesmundo2003,dhaumya and sweta

really i

 i rewrite this story before seeing your adivse

Lion asked for help, but all the animals ignored him. The Elephant trumpeted “If you had been kinder to other they would never hesitate to help you”. Lion realized that if he had not been so selfish, he would not be in this situation. He hoped Dr. Hippopotamus would take pity on him.

thaaaaanx aloooooooooooot :)