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Two 80 year old American ladies were standing having a cigarette outside the nursing home.
Jane said to Molly,"what the hells that you've got on your cigarette?"
Molly said "It's called a condom and I cut the end of it and it keeps the rain off, you can get them in any Drugstore"
Next day Jane went to the Drugstore and asked for a packet of condoms, the Pharmacist couldn't believe what the 80 year old was saying and asked her what type she preferred .
Molly replied, "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel!"

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2 old women

The first old woman told the second old woman that
 sometimes she gets her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and putting both legs behind her head, yoga style. The second old woman thought that this was a great idea, so that night when her husband went in the bathroom to get  ready for bed, she got totally naked and began the process of putting her legs behind her head. The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic. However, she finally got it in place. She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.
 However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air. It was just then that her husband came out of  the bathroom. 'Gladys!' he exclaimed.' For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in …. You look like an asshole.'

I liked them

This is quite long but it's nice….

 Dad's Rules for Dating

Rule One:
If you pull onto my driveway and beep your horn you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure won't be picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them..

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka – zipped up to her throat. Films with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Football matches are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the drive for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine

Having dated many Italian American women, I can confirm your post, latin-lover.  

A Detroit Tigers scout flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play baseball and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to the states to pitch for the Tigers.. Two weeks later the Tigers are in a close game with the Indians. The manager gives the young Iraqi reliever the nod and in he goes.
 
The kid is a sensation, he strikes out everyone he faces for the rest of the game and wins it for the Tigers! The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media loves the new star.
 
When the player comes off the field he phones his mom to tell her about his first day in the Majors.
 
"Hello mum, guess what?" he says in an Iraqi accent. "I played for three innings today, I was called from the bullpen with the bases loaded but I struck out everyone I faced , and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."
 
"Wonderful," says his mom, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all the while you were having such a great time."
 
The young lad is very upset. "What can I say, Mum, but that I am sorry".
 
"Sorry! You should be sorry.  It's your fault that we all moved here to Detroit in the first place."

Chinese Medicine
 
While in China , a man is very promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.  A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. 
 
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.  The Doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor Says: 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD.  It's very rare and almost unheard of here.  We know very little about it.'
 
The man looks a little perplexed and says: 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'
 
The doctor answers: 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure.
We're going to have to amputate your penis.'
 
The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not!  I want a second opinion.'
 
The doctor replies: 'Well, it's your choice.  Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice.'
 
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. 
 
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD.  Very rare disease.'
 
The guy says to the doctor: 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do?  My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'
 
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs:  Stupid American doctor, always want to operate.  Make more money that way.  No need to operate!'
 
Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.

'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'You no worry!
Wait two weeks.  Fall off by it self….'

ah ah, your great NP, it took me much time but it was worth!!

A mafia's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, “Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new…” He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.

He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, “Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new…” He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.

He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again.…. then do as I say”<!- google_ad_section_end ->

Hahaha…. great guys!

ah ah, your great NP, it took me much time but it was worth!!

Learning English should be fun.