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Welcome to my world!

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closehoney

closehoney

Philippines

November 3, 2007

News of his coming home have reached me weeks ago. My heart skipped a beat when I found out. Finally, he's coming home! It's something that he and I have been waiting for for the longest time. When the euphoria has ebbed, though, it dawned on me that...things are different now.
A lot of memories are coming back to me. Memories of plans when finally he can come home. I see places around me that we talked about going when he's here. I see the Westin Philippine Plaza. There is the Heritage Hotel. The choochootrain is still here. Still as noisy as before. I see a Prado and I remember monster. Everything is a reminder... 
But that's all they are now. Just memories. I don't even know what to expect when he's here. I'm telling myself not to expect. My conscious mind is easier to control. But my subconscious is more stubborn. Or should I say stupid? In the deepest recesses of my heart there is still hoping. But I don't want to expect anything. Would he get in touch? Would I run into him at church? In the mall? Would I find him knocking on the front door? Those are thoughts that would have rid me of sleep because of excitement if things were still the same. But with how things are now, I would just risk myself getting more hurt if I think about them.
I should walk myself back to the days when the changes happened. I should remind myself of all the hurt and the pain. Somebody asked me, why I just gave up. Why am I not fighting anymore? Is there really a reason to still fight? I have done everything. I gave all that I have. I put everything in our relationship so that the distance wouldn't matter that much. I once said that I wouldn't get tired of fighting when I know that he still wanted me to. Even when he was pushing me away, if there was the slightest indication that his heart he still wanted to go on, I would have the strength to fight. But I have been rid of my all my sources of strength. My heart wanted to go on but my spirit has been broken and everything else is tired. He gave up. He gave up on me. He gave up on us.
May we all have peace this Christmas. Peace in our hearts. Peace in our minds. May there be healing.   

More entries: What Goes Around Comes Around (1), Christmas At Home, I Should Be Closing Doors And Windows (1), News Of His Coming Home (2), Another Thanksgiving (2), Some Marriages Just Don't Work Out (2), The Day The Subject Changed, Can We Change Our Destiny?, One Of My Pricest Possessions, The Notebook

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08:01 AM Nov 06 2007

abosakak
Egypt

some time life give us all what we want but the normall she doesn't " sun will not stop shine"

03:13 AM Nov 06 2007

nanxue

nanxue
China

I believe,that his heart isn`t made of stone!