Trying to cure

Recently I found a place where could cover my lonesome for a while with meaningless conversation. It’s a bar of a local hostel which will takes me half hour to get. For the person like me who would like to spend the rest of his life on the road and have spent a quarter of will feel no surprise that not every traveler in the hostel would genuinely to talk to you. I don’t wanna deny some friendship and romantic stories had truly happened there, but for me if not in the mid of my claustrophobic days the only thing I want to do is just lips some liquor.

I met a Chinese young dude couple days ago right in the bar who impressed me a lot, not because his funny English but his ideas about Americans, from which I bet half Chinese younkers strongly admire the life we got regardless the low economic situation we have right now especially while a lot of westerns thinking Americans are noting but a bunch of cureless idiots.

During the conversation with him I did want to be regarded as a Chinese guy, but my effort to him seems non-senses. “What’s the matter with you? You’re an American, you speak English, and every Chinese girl wants to get married with Americans!” he yelled at me.

No, I’m not at least in China, and that’s why I’m here, hoping to be accepted instead of being taken as an outsider. I felt pretty sad about his words, I don’t know what’s hell of reasons caused the sea change in the Chinese mind, once they were the strongest nation in the world and I’d admit that they’re still the stronger one but lack of self-confidence in the mid of globalization, especially when you talking to them, the self-esteem is weak.

“There’s noting we could do about it” as my father said this morning, Chinese people needs to be challenged, not just the whole nation nor the large country but also the individual, which could be far more important than ever.

I was thinking about if it’s worth to write diary. You know I’m not that type of person who can keep some kinds of long-lasting habits. One way or the other, the worst circumstances won’t allow me to hide myself inside.

I’ve been here for a long while, Xi’an ( the northern city of China ) seems far from belongs to me.

I was supposed to be in Chongqing ( the southern city of China) which have plenty of similarities with Louisiana. But my parents thought that stay in such city with a brilliant history could help me be absorbed well inChinese culture, with all the history things infusion you got no reason to avoid.

Xi’an more like a square palace with gray wall all over around. After few weeks since I arrived I found language became my real biggest problem. With all the yellow feature stuffs outside I usually surprise those Chinese folks a lot , the only way to deal with such embarrass is to keep telling them my family story which attracted a lot of Chinese young dudes, they would like to think “ what a hell story !” I guess, still I did countless efforts to convince them that I’m one of them too.

Anyway, I feel damn lonely, you talk to people but it’s always end up with misunderstanding , Chinese people cherish their face , so I dare not to jeopardize their self-esteem.

And i believe there is a God behind me

i don't know if it's necessay  to call him "God"

probably there are no names better than that

sometimes God is a yong dude wandering the longly street

sometimes God is a hopless mother wanna kill herself tonight

sometimes God is a beggar starve quietly outside the shopping mall

sometimes God is me     reach out for something painful but could shining above

sometimes God is      you

wet my dry          lips

sometimes God is everyone

standing behind you      behind everything  and  everywhere

sure you could find him if

you could slow down a little bit in those countless

sleepless nights