My Blog

For a long time i have not writen anything. This night, turning on the computer but don’t know what to do. I don’t want to check mails, don’t want to think of job or studying. Just need to talk to someone, looking at the friend list in yahoo  but still don’t want to chat with anyone. Overall its hard to find a person that really understand u. but i can’t complain about my friends coz i m too introvert, alw shirk myself behind the skin of a firm person, or a unprejudiced person. Yes, I m not open- minded to my friends so i don’t have rights to require them to be beside me when when im sad, or need a shouder.

            A test season is coming again,  but why i don’t have any inspiration to study at all. Huhuhuhu. Each day, trying to resist myself from cutting off class, trying to attend class but alw keep the cell phone in my left hand, n keep looking at it all the time, just waiting for the break time n then waiting for the ringing bell marking the studying time of that day at my university is over. Hic, but the second year at uni is nearly over, n there are just 2 more years left i will graduate.2 years is not a short time and also not a long time. Hahhahah. The reality is in contrast, each day i talk to myself , set for myself many goals but all i do is watching movies n sleeping. Why is it so hard to concentrate on studying?is there anyone can give me some tips??/// i also meet difficulties with my job at that organization. I tried all my best to get that position but when achieving it i suddenly feel bored with that job. Or maybe coz  i hoped so much. its right, the more u expect, the more disappointed u are…….. but its alright i ll balance myself quickly

Let’s everyday go by n don’t know wht i m doing. I feel not interested in the department that i chose but have no courage to choose again or begin the new way. Everyday is the same, going to my uni n come back home. While many good friends are beside me, my parents, my brother, my relatives love me. they always worry 4 me, take care of me but i still feel lonely. I can’t tell out all my feeling or my thoughts with them. Why? I can’t see myself.  people  think that im always happy, lucky so it make me also pretend to be  like that all the time. I feel ashamed when let people know that im sad or im crying. I completely don’t like the living way my parents or my relatives are trying to build 4 me.i don’t want to disappoint them, i don’t want to make them cry.

I m really really painful when my uncle said he was extremely disappointed with me.he said  i made him have a feeling of  falling down suddenly into a deep hole. I don’t want to do that. I just want to tell him  im not a perfect person, im not the person as my parents or all people alw think of me.im afraid of the word “proud”, i don’t want to hear that anymore from anyone. It make me be under pressure all the time. Always try to live in or set a limitation 4 myself. And  i never never overcome the circle that they drew 4 me.

Maybe im too selfish, too complicated, or too sensitive. Im trying to make everything serious or to think everything in a wrong way.

The gap between generations is clear n natural. I don’t have rights to require that parents or anyone  alw have to understand me. rasing questions all the time but never try to find out the answers. Think its not fair when people don’t understand me but never try to understand them. Think they don’t love me but never show that i love them. Think they don’t miss me but never call them or send messages to them. Think they have faults but when they say sorry, never answer them……

Dear grandmother

 I used to think  u didn’t love me  n i myself think that i also don’t love u, don’t have any relationship with u. i thought that, and acted as i thought. But i  have to repent for all this life. Just when u passed away, u are not beside me, i can’t see u anymore i found out that how much i love u.

I remember that night on Christmas day- u went away forever. U went to fast, no one can say good bye to u. no one….i cried, cried a lot. I looked at u but u lied there with closed eyes n out of breath.i thought abt the time  when u were alive. I never just 1 time told u i love u. tears now are too late. Repentance is useful. Why just when really losing something can i recognize my real feeling? Look at the grandfather’s eyes i also see the repentance of him while can’t beside u at that moment. The first time i saw him cry.he seem not to know anything, he was quite empty, just sitting at a place seeing at 1 point as if u were standing there n looking at him. Whether or not he was thinking like me.repenting of not telling how how much he loves u, n how much he misses u.

Love is hard to tell directly but love can’t wait 4 anyone if  not say it  out, u ll lose it 4rever.

I lost my grandmother 4rever…………………………………………………………..

“My dear sister. Im sorry coz i  made u and parents sad a lot. Im sorry for all the bad things i had made. I see that you are also very sad…..”

It’s the message i was given in the morning from my brother. He said sorry. “ im sorry”  seems  too hard with me to tell him in person. I also had fault in our argument but coz of my ego i let everything go by. Now i have to thank to God. God gave me  a sweet brother like that. I many times wished i were the only child , wish he never appeared in my family. But now i see that im the most lucky sister coz i has him as my younger brother. I love u so much. Now u are 18 years old. You have grown up, you have many other relationships, i can’t require u alws think of me first. I was too selfish.

But i still like you change the word “ brother” into “ sister” in your favourite song “My brother” when u sings at home. Hahhahahahhahaim too childish

Say sorry when making faults  not just keep in my mind. I ll do that. Thanks you- my brother. U ve made me change a lot.