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Taiwan

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| 08:59 AM Aug 27 2013

Reader

Taiwan

Chapter 21, 109~118
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After seeing the big girl off, we ended up in a nearby hotel. Naked now, and still standing by the bathtub, she looked at me. The glaring sunlight penetrated into the room. I complimented her slim legs, but instead of sincere thanks, she just grunted. She showed sensitivity to my slightest touch when I kissed her soft nipples.
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When I woke up later, she disappeared without leaving a note or message. My head felt extremely heavy from drinking too much. I sat reviewing the details of encountering a strange girl and getting laid with her. After taking a shower, I checked out the hotel, and then, took a bus back to the dorm. I was surprised at a letter from Naoko as I slung the door open. Just having read a few lines, I gave way to an incessant stream of feeling. I felt as if the world began to shift and turn its color, and I stopped reading and closed my eyes, taking a few minutes to gather my thoughts before continuing reading. She wrote:
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“It’s been quite some time since I came here. I felt sorry not to return your letter immediately. This may not be fair to you, but whether it’s fair or not isn’t a deserved concern for girls like my age. To be honest, I’ve been thinking a lot about you and our relationship. Sometimes, I thought that it might be a mistake to lead you around in circles and even hurt you just as deeply as I hurt myself. Please don’t be angry at me because I was also unaware of what I have done to you. You have to understand I’m not a normal person – a far more flawed human being. Now I’m waiting to unlock the mystery that’s been annoying me so far. You maight think my words were little more than a complain, but, if you think this way, that isn’t an exact impression.
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I’ve been under treatment for several months. I myself feel that I’m getting much better than you realize. People told me that this is an extraordinary treatment. To tell you the truth, the reason why I couldn’t write back to you was I hadn’t been able to sit down and calmly write a letter. However, now I’m sitting quietly and writing a letter to you; that means I’m getting progress.
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This is a place very different from others. We are surrounded with green Mountains and clean air, and a cut-off world from the outside. And we all live a regular life here. It’s just such a wonderful thing to write a letter to you and to convey my thoughts to a distant friend. Now in the evening, I can count all kinds of stars hung high on the dark sky, and people here are good at horoscope, which I wouldn’t be surprised because there’s nothing to do when night falls upon. I also exercise every day, regular as clockwork. You may wonder what exercise I do – tennis and baseball. Our baseball teams are made up of both staff and patients – I hate the word “patients”, for we just didn’t admit that there’s one small part of the problems growing in us.
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We are trying to understand more about our deformities. The more we understand, the more we can accept. It may sound absurd to you when you hear what I’m saying now. But, in our treatment, we know we all have certain kinds of deformities in our mental or physical condition. A normal person just didn’t admit this point. That’s why we are here to be trained to see more of our flawed personalities.
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We also do a bit of gardening every day. The freshly picked fruits and vegetables would make you feel less like eating meat and fish because those are so delicious. You may wonder if there have all kinds of experts here. You are right. We depend on each other and learn from those what we are doing. The only problem about this place is that once we are here, we are afraid to leave. The place is like a paradise unlike the outside world. But doctors say that we will have to face outside people one day and accept the outside world again. I’ll explain more to you if you want to visit me.
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Watanabe. I know you have a good feeling about me. Thinking of it, I always feel happy. You know it is just what I need most at this point in my life. Please don’t feel upset about my letter if I say wrong. I sometimes had a weird thought: if we’d met under a normal circumstance without Kizuki, our lives would have been different. Of course, there’re too many “what-ifs” in the future, and we can’t predict that what is going to happen next. I only hope to communicate that small part of my feelings to you.
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This isn’t an ordinary hospital, but still has visiting hours. You can come any time if you like. The only requirement is you have to call the day before coming. There’s a room for you to stay overnight, and you also can play with us. I sincerely wish to see you. Sorry this turned out to be such a long letter.”
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When I finished reading, I felt thirty, so I went downstairs to buy a Coke from a vending machine. I read again while walking down. The address says “Ami Hostel” written in the end, which I thought about it for a few minutes. Later, I went out, and wandered about nearby streets because I was afraid that I would read her letter again and again. It was until the sun went down, and the neon signs sparkled on those busy streets, lying on the bed, I’m waiting to get sleepy. For a longer while, I couldn’t. Then, I rose up and picked up the book “The Magic Mountain”, making an attempt to forget what I had read every word from her. Even so, I still didn’t feel sleepy until midnight.
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I was assured of gaining admission by a receptionist to the hospital the next day. As soon as I woke on Monday morning, I changed clothes and went to the dorm Head’s room to say that I was going to be gone for a few days. After that, I bought a train ticket to Kyoto and sat with coffee on my hand in the station café, waiting the train to come. Crowds from the busy streets were jamming into the station, and the morning sunlight streamed through the windows. I took out her letter and read again. The warm air was filled with the occasional sound of the children laughter, and students were carrying on long conversations, standing the whole time. My thoughts were also being carried into Naoko’s perfect, tiny characters that I’d been indulging myself in ever since I was caught by them…

| 09:02 PM Aug 21 2013

Reader

Taiwan

Chapter 20, 104~108
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We had been together when Kizuki committed suicide that night, and the world had become different to me since then. I had been searching the real meaning of what his existence meant to me. In the end, there was no answer in my mind. For a long while, I sat there thinking about him, and also hoping that Midori would appear, but she never did.
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Later, I went out with Nagasawa. We chose a usual bar, ordered whisky, and hoping to meet a likely pair of girls, but in vain after two hours passed. We found another bar to chance our luck, and yet luck seemingly didn’t come our way.
“I must apologize for dragging you out,” said Nagasawa. “It’s not a big deal,” I said.
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“What’s the next?” I asked. “Do you mind that I’ll be going to Hatsumi’s place?” he replied embarrassingly. “Why should I mind that?” I said. “Go ahead. It’s been in ages since I last saw the movie. Maybe I’ll be going to the movie theater later.” He soon disappeared into a corner of the street. In fact, I didn’t consider it a good choice, but there wasn’t anything better I could come up with.
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Coming out of the cinema, walking along the windy street, I was thinking about Naoko. And the crowd had dispersed and all but one of the taxis remained parked in front of a hotel and the driver and the passengers were buzzing with conversation. I went into a café, waiting for the morning train to come.
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“Sir, do you mind sharing your table with others?” a waiter asked me. “Not at all.” I kept reading a book I brought earlier.
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When I raised my head again, I noticed two girls just sat opposite me. They were chattering about something upset with them, but I didn’t make out what they were really saying. It was until the smaller girl went to the ladies’ room another girl ventured to speak to me.
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“Sorry. I hope our conversation didn’t bother you,” she said. “That’s okay. I didn’t feel it.”
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“May I ask if there are any bars nearby?” she asked. “At this moment?” “Yes.”
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“I’m afraid that people are going home now at five o’clock in the morning.”
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“I know… but my friend has to have a drink now.”
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“Well, search for a nice place with an armload of sake,” I responded.
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“I know this is asking too much, but do you mind coming with us?”
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I’d never before been with two strange girls to have a drink at five o’clock in the morning. Time was no problem, and refusing would have been impolite to them. Therefore, three of us went to a nearby parking lot.
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It turned out that the smaller girl recently had found her boyfriend was sleeping with other girl, and it was a severe blow to her.
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“I feel sorry to hear it,” I said. “I think you need to have a long talk with him. It’s just a matter of whether you forgive him or not.”
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“You have no idea how I feel,” the smaller one gulped down a can of beer.
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A trace of daylight broke through the clouds, and a flock of sparrows flitted about in the trees and some chirps sounded from somewhere. It was the time for train to approach the station, into where people began to crowd…

| 08:16 AM Aug 13 2013

Reader

Taiwan

Chapter 19, 100~103
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“Well, it’s a little hard for me to find such a love I need most. You, men, won’t understand us. You may think I’m looking for perfection, but it’s totally wrong. The perfect love means sheer selfishness, the kind of a whole-hearted love. In other words, like, say I want to eat strawberries. You will stop doing everything and run to buy it for me. And you will offer a handful of strawberries to me,” said Midori, looking me in the eye.
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“So… I’m thinking of a servant you are looking for.”
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“No. For a certain type of person, love means craziness at the beginning. Or if it doesn’t begin from that point, love will lose itself in the end,” Midori just shook her head.
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“You are so different from other girls,” said I, noticing the fire had died down and risen again. “Are you going to die here?” added I.
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“I’m not afraid of dying like this way. I’ve seen many terrible ways of dying: my mother and some relatives – lives just slipping away little by little in a long process,” Midori grabbed a Marlboro and put it between her lips.
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“I hate that. Everything suddenly becomes dark before you know it,” she took a long breath and then, let it out slowly.
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It seemed that the fire had been under control. Another half hour passed. Two birds had perched on a nearby lamppost, observing the crowd. Silence descended on the street again.
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“Are you tired?” I asked. “No. I just want to get relaxed for a little while.”
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I put my arm on her shoulder and turned her face toward me. It was a gentle kiss when I planted it on her cheek – like that wouldn’t go beyond control – which wouldn’t have been possible hadn’t we drunk a little and watched the fire. The warmth of her soft lips had given me a tingling sensation, and I felt her eyes closed.
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It was Midori who spoke first, holding my hand.
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“Do you have girlfriend?” “No.”
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“I thought you had,” Midori looked away.
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“I really hate being at home all day. You know that feeling when you just wait for a call.”
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“All right. I’ll be with you next time you have to stay at home,” I said. “Of course, if you want to make lunch for me.” “That’s a deal.”
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Midori didn’t show up in the class next day. After class, I took a short walk in the campus and then sat on a bench under a huge tree. Some people played tennis, swinging their racquet back and forth, and some students hurried to attend class, cradling books up to their chest. A group of helmeted students clustered around a sign with a slogan of imperialism invading Japan. They all looked happy and satisfied under a pleasant scene. Because of that, I suddenly felt alone and my thoughts went back to the bygone days that I could vividly remember – with Kizuki…

| 09:19 AM Aug 07 2013

Reader

Taiwan

Chapter 18, 95~99
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“Not really. But I do believe in him. After all, he is my father. Do you see my point?” she let out a sigh of impatience. “Well, I don’t have any idea…” I sighed too. “It really isn’t important.”
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At that moment sirens rang from afar, getting nearer. I heard lots of people shouting and running outside. Midori went to open the window, leaned over, and turned back. “Wait a minute,” she told me. I sat there wondering what was going on. Before long, I heard feet pounding down stairs. “Come with me right now,” she asked. We carefully climbed up four flights of wooden stairs, passed by a laundry deck and found a spot that could offer a panorama of the surrounding area.
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A huge column of black smoke shot up from a house two blocks away, and we smelt burning. “It’s Sakamoto’s house,” she said, pointing at the direction. There must have at least five fire engines parked on the high street, but the narrow lane had prevented them from getting closer. Spectators seemed to be increasing in number, and firefighters had mingled with the crowd.
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“Hey, perhaps, you should collect some valuables because there’s a petrol station nearby,” I warned her while laughing. “Don’t be silly. I’m not going to run.” I took a look at her, and she continued to say “I never mind dying”. “I’ll run by myself if you don’t follow me,” I said, adding “Of course, if you will make a big dinner for me tonight”.
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“Okay. Stay here. I’m going to bring a guitar and a few cans of beer up here.”
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She came back a few minutes later. “We can sing songs while watching the fire flows with the breeze,” she said, opening a can of beer. “Do you think it’s ethical to watch a local fire and sing songs at the same time?” “Forget about the ethical problem,” she strummed and began to sing. I listened to her chosen songs: “Five Hundred Miles”, “Lemon Tree”, and kept an eye on the black smoke that was being brought up by the wind.
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“Do you want to hear a song I wrote?” she asked. “Sure!” “I call it ‘I Have Nothing’” she cleared her throat. It was a truly messy song, both lyrics and music, but she did enjoy her own song. After that, she put down the guitar and leant her body against mine.
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“Do you like my song?” she asked.
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“A nice piece, Very creative,” I answered cautiously.
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“You know,” she said. “When my mother died, I really didn’t feel sad. When my father left, what I felt by then was a relief. Don’t you think I’m cold-hearted?”
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“I would think you have your reasons,” I answered mindlessly.
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“I do often have dreams about them, though,” she slid her one hand into my arm. “I once had a dream about my mother who stared at me in the darkness. I thought she was angry at my happiness when she died. But I wasn’t happy at all. I just didn’t feel extremely sad. Honestly speaking, I didn’t cry, didn’t drop a tear at her funeral,” she mumbled to herself. I kept an eye on the column of black smoke that had been rising up from the burning house.
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“If they had loved me more, I would have felt sad toward their disappearance. Do you think so?” she asked, squeezing my arm. “I’m just thirsty for love, a real love. They couldn’t give me that. Sometimes I would dream of what it was like to be filled with love. They just simply refused to do all I wanted. I’ll make dreams about one day someone satisfying me with a complete love, pure one. I promise to myself that I’ll return all he wants back to him.”
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“Oh… Have you found him so far?” I replied in amazement…

| 08:29 AM Aug 05 2013

Reader

Taiwan

Chapter 17, 90~94
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“I even spent the budget used for a new bra. It was the whole month I had to wash my old bra at night and dry it immediately. You know sometimes it didn’t turn out to be what you thought as planned. To imagine wearing a damp bra, you can have a clear understanding of what I’d been suffering by then.”
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“I can understand what you mean,” I said, smiling.
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“I shouldn’t complain because it was what I wanted. It was after my mother died, I began to run the family budget.” “I see your point. When did your mother die?” I asked.
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“Two years ago. Brain Cancer.” “I had seen the worst kind of death. She had been suffering from beginning to end. We had spent all of our money in order to give her those expensive shots. At last it was kind of mercy killing to end her life,” she stopped in mid-sentence, and gave a long sigh. After a short silence, with a somber expression, she said “eat your eggs. We had better avoid talking like this”. I quickly swallowed the last of my portion and noticed Midori only had a few spoonfuls of food. “Cooking had ruined my appetite,” she said, sliding her left hand into the pocket and groping for something. Finally grabbing a pack of cigarettes, she put one in her mouth. And she stubbed half her cigarette out as if she had regretted lighting it.
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“Girls aren’t supposed to smoke. Even so, they would be more elegant when they put out their cigarettes,” I said.
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“I never pretend to be chic,” she answered, looking away. “I just started smoking last month. I was never being controlled by the stuff.” “You don’t smoke, do you?” she asked. “I stopped a few months ago.” “Why?” “It was a sort of thing by which I didn’t like being controlled.”
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“You sound like having a very clear mind. I like the way you talk,” she took a straight look at me, chin in hand.
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“Where is your family?” I continued after a while.
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“My mother’s in heaven. I have one sister who has gone out with her boyfriend,” she paused, staring at the daffodils. “And your father?” I raised my tone a little.
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“He went off to Uruguay last year,” she hesitated for a moment before answering. “Uruguay?”
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“It’s kind of crazy trying to stop him from getting on the plane to Uruguay. He said ‘I have an old friend who has a farm there and I can do whatever I want if I go there’. We consider it a real shock for him to have lost a beloved wife. They, my parents, are really a pair – a deep love that we can’t understand,” she thought about it for a while. I didn’t say anything, just staring at her.
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“Do you know what he had said to us when his wife died? ‘I would rather have lost two of you than your mother. You should have died in her place.’ This is really a nearly crazy man. He wasn’t allowed to say words like those to his daughters. I mean, that’s just unbelievable to hear that. Do you understand what I mean? Watanabe,” she showed a little anger on her face.
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“I see your point.”
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“Then he got rid of us and went off to that unknown country,” she stood up and walked to the fridge. “Have you got any message from him after that?” “Only one letter since then.” “What did he say in the letter?” “Nothing. Only some photos and words that I’ll send for us once he settles down.”
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“Do you go with him if he asks?” “My sister doesn’t give a damn about that place. I may go for a while with a mind to travel,” she opened the cabinets and took out a rag to wipe. “We have a business here. I also have an uncle who makes book deliveries. I’ve been trying to keep balance between my study and work.”
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“Do you like your father?” I asked.
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She put down the bowls, dropped the rag on the cutting board, deep in thought, and turned to face me with a solemn expression. There seemed to be a constant tug of war about what a love to be looked like between a father and daughters…

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