This blog is long overdue. I just didn't have time to think about things lately with things so busy at the office. Sometimes, too, I purposely not think about things because I will just go on a relapse. And that usually is not very nice. I would find myself crying again and my body refuses to get out of bed. And I would end up feeling miserable with eyes very hideous because they are so puffy.
My life now follows the Paretto Principle. It's the 80-20 rule. I'm not sure what it exactly means. All I know is that there is the 80% and the 20%. Like my life now, I am ok 80% percent of the time. I can laugh, function and be normal. But there is still the 20%. And it's during that 20% of the time when I'm time warped to the time when everything else is very fresh and they just hurt very much.
Why the day the subject changed? I always put a marker on all my emails here. This day marks the time when I think I should stop hoping that my mail be read. If they will be then I know it will make my heart jump again. At least I know he still cares. But it's too difficult opening this email everyday hoping against hope that the mail would mark READ. So, let's just delete that marker. It's probably a good idea to just turn this email account into an online diary. Still my special most valuable possession like how it's always been. It will be my companion as I go on. It still feels nice to write. If one day, I would be missed, and he would wonder how I am doing and where I might be, he would find that Mattie would and could still bring him home.
Have you ever experienced being really happy that you get scared thinking...uh-oh...what could go wrong this time? I am in that state. I am happy. Yes, things go wrong here and there and there are still a lot of roadblocks to nirvana but I am happy. Those that and who matter most are ok and that's what's important. But somebody happened to read my palm last night and told me that the happiness I am feeling now is but temporary. That got me scared. My hands suddenly felt cold and my mind started asking questions. Why can't it last? What will go wrong? How can I prevent it from going wrong? How am I going to hold on to it? Are our destiny pre-determined or do we have control over it? I think we have control over our destiny. We can still change it. If we don't then what's the point in trying to live life as best as we can? Thinking that gave me relief. I will just have to hold on to what I have now so it stays like this. Or what's better, strive at making things even better!
One of my pricest possessions is a cross between the tangible and the intangible. It's something that you see but you can't hold. It's one of my time capsules. A something that holds very special memories. A chronicle of a very wonderful chapter in my life. A chapter that is still in the making and hopefully a chapter that will never end.
It's choochootrain332!
It never fails to keep me company when I'm lonely...like today. I have just to open and read it and it feels that the hug the I so want and the kiss that I so miss is within reach. Am I lonely today? Well, I guess I am. And it's not helping that it has been raining. It's at times like these when I just want to be home. Wouldn't it be nice hearing the rain from the inside of your warm and cozy home just snuggled in bed or on the couch? Reading a good book, perhaps, or watching a nice flick on tv? Sigh... What a wonderful thought. What I would give to be able to do just that now.
Why am I so lazy? I wish that I write more often. It always helps me feel good - being able to put down thoughts. I wish I am a diarist. I try to be one but I'm not that good at following through.
I'm looking out from my office window and I see that it's still pouring outside. I can't wait to go home.
