News of his coming home have reached me weeks ago. My heart skipped a beat when I found out. Finally, he's coming home! It's something that he and I have been waiting for for the longest time. When the euphoria has ebbed, though, it dawned on me that...things are different now.
A lot of memories are coming back to me. Memories of plans when finally he can come home. I see places around me that we talked about going when he's here. I see the Westin Philippine Plaza. There is the Heritage Hotel. The choochootrain is still here. Still as noisy as before. I see a Prado and I remember monster. Everything is a reminder...
But that's all they are now. Just memories. I don't even know what to expect when he's here. I'm telling myself not to expect. My conscious mind is easier to control. But my subconscious is more stubborn. Or should I say stupid? In the deepest recesses of my heart there is still hoping. But I don't want to expect anything. Would he get in touch? Would I run into him at church? In the mall? Would I find him knocking on the front door? Those are thoughts that would have rid me of sleep because of excitement if things were still the same. But with how things are now, I would just risk myself getting more hurt if I think about them.
I should walk myself back to the days when the changes happened. I should remind myself of all the hurt and the pain. Somebody asked me, why I just gave up. Why am I not fighting anymore? Is there really a reason to still fight? I have done everything. I gave all that I have. I put everything in our relationship so that the distance wouldn't matter that much. I once said that I wouldn't get tired of fighting when I know that he still wanted me to. Even when he was pushing me away, if there was the slightest indication that his heart he still wanted to go on, I would have the strength to fight. But I have been rid of my all my sources of strength. My heart wanted to go on but my spirit has been broken and everything else is tired. He gave up. He gave up on me. He gave up on us.
May we all have peace this Christmas. Peace in our hearts. Peace in our minds. May there be healing.
It's going to be another Thanksgiving. Sigh...another thanksgiving. It's a day to be thankful, isn't it? I'm trying to count my blessings so I will feel that I have a lot to be thankful for. I do have a lot to be thankful for. I still have my job, my friends, my family. I'm still in my condo, etc.
Why is it, though, that no matter how hard I smile, no matter how I try to be ok, deep deep deep down inside I'm still sad. It's so difficult. I look back at last year's Thanksgiving, I read old emails...it was one of those happy times. It makes me ask. Why couldn't it just stay like that?
But if I have to be thankful for something, thank you for the friends and family. They are these nice people around me. They have never failed to give me support. They have never failed to make me feel that there is still a lot to look forward to.
I guess I should also be thankful for all the memories. They are very wonderful memories. Still fresh in my mind. At least they are some things that nobody can take away from me. Never...I would never let anybody take them away from me. They are all I have left from those beautiful times. They offer me comfort, they give me hope.
Why is life very complicated?
As much as we would like to believe in happy endings, as much as we would like to remember how we used to feel love for someone, there are just marriages that don't work out no matter how hard people try. Thus, divorce or annulment was invented. I know there are people who think of divorce or annulment as an easy way out of an unfortunate situation. I'm sure though that nobody would want to have to go through with that if they can just help it. It's never easy. It's like washing your dirty linen in public. You will have to shout out your love story for everyone to know and for them to analyze. And then your fate would be in the judge's hands if they think you have reason enough to be granted your plea.
I used to not regret why I got married. But now, regret often crosses my mind. If I didn't get married things would have been easier. I would have been free to be with the person that I loved the most. But with a failed marriage and an annulment not yet granted, it's like I bear the scarlet letter. People judge me. I know I couldn't explain to everyone why my marriage failed but if I only can then I would. Then they would understand why it has to end.
